It has been one of those types of weeks. I have felt miserable and stressed. My Thyroid illness hasn’t helped and when the MRI that was finally meant to put my mind at rest about the old tits thing got cancelled due to a broken machine, then re-booked and then moved again it really didn’t help. The need for another MRI is something I tell myself I’m not worried about yet the second someone suggests ‘one final MRI to be be sure’, you easily start in some deep dark place thinking – what if?!
Oh to be a child again.
I did sign up to some interesting online educational seminars though, in the hope it would help me learn how to not care. The Brain Academy training, which teaches you about the four main sections of our brain and what they control is insanely interesting. This is the type of thing that should be taught at school to help people understand themselves and their behaviors from a younger age. It’s so insightful into the self and our relationships with others from family and friends to co-workers or strangers on the street.
It’s also interesting that the biggest thing that frustrates me is learning that I can’t have it all. We’ve been brought up to believe you can have it all, so when someone says you can’t the instinct is to fight it. This weeks battle is the effort to stop caffeine and alcohol all together for a while – not easy – but ultimately they inhibit Thyroid and Adrenal function and since I’m already underperforming it’s a bit of a no-brainer.
I just want to say ‘fuck it all’ and the other day beneath 4 cakes (all gluten, dairy, soy free though!) and 5 large chocolate based snacks plus 2 hot chocolates I did say just that. But then I felt like shit physically and emotionally.
I know the key is the focus on what I can have and you know what, it’s still plenty. Still far more than many people around the world will ever get, but I guess I still feel a bit sorry for myself.
The following is a quote from another Emma who I do not know. Clearly we both follow The Invisible Hypothyroidism blog, written by the wonderful Rachel Hill. Rachel asked her followers to describe the tiredness of Thyroid disease and this was one of many that resonated with me. When I saw she was also an Emma I felt I should share.
“It is as if you are surrounded by a fog and stuck in a bubble. I feel like I should be able to shake my head really hard and, cartoon style, this fog will be shaken away and I’ll feel ‘normal’. I’ve had to change how I work to fit around the fact that, the that later in the day it gets, the more useless I become. It’s as if you’ve finished vigorous physical activity every minute of the day but you’re never able to recover. Basically it sucks!” – Emma
One more share is from same post from The Invisible Hypothyroidism, from a Thyroid patient called April. I’ve said similar and feel people think I’m being melodramatic or funny but it’s true. I described it as putting a large needle into my life force and sucking it out!
“Like someone has sucked all the joy, my actual soul out and I had no feeling or energy of any kind left. ( I no longer feel that way fortunately, my thyroid is managed well).” – April
One day I may write an upbeat funny post again. Until that time pictures are a collage from this weeks daily morning walks.